the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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