my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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