i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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