You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is Oprah even human
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
