You're completely useless in the revolution.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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