Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
