I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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