APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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