I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
