So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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