obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
