Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I smell like Dick and happiness
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