I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
