Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
