I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Sext me about skeletons
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
