Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
