my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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