There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
