you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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