I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
