I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There r osticjed everywhere
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
