My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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