Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
