Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
