mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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