Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
