Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
