Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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