one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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