She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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