i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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