The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
