She is in my trunk
4 words: hood of his car
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
