life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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