If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
