It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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