And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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