I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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