Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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