New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
