Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
