You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
