as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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