I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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