I want to have your abortion
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
