I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
