P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
