Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
