why didn't you poke me back
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
