Kiss
Puke
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
