I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
